Great Big Pregnancy Recap

I hit the 39 week milestone on Saturday, which means I've got one week to go before this little pumpkin's due date (and less than that before we get to meet!) I'm going to be a crazy person over the next week, running around, getting things ready, deep cleaning and organizing secret closets that I never go into anyway and washing literally every piece of fabric we have in this house because I'm in a crazy nesting state, so I figured I'd get the great big pregnancy recap out of the way now. There's really no knowing where my head is going to be this week, and I certainly can't wait until after the baby arrives. That would be madness.

These last couple of weeks have definitely been the sorest. My back aches by around noon, my hips are getting quite sore throughout the day as well, and my ribs have started to throb in the evening. I've also been dealing with some lower leg cramps which basically feel like a horrible headache, only between my knees and ankles. They get so bad sometimes that I simply can't walk anymore. I'm pretty exhausted (but not Theodore-pregnancy exhausted!) but honestly I can't really complain, not compared to my previous pregnancies. This one has been pretty breezy, I have to say.

I just can't believe I'm here sometimes. After such a long journey to get to where we are, two miscarriages and some pretty intense nervous breakdowns, months of therapy and self discovery, the only real emotion that lingers these days is gratitude. I look around me and see the faces of people who love me and support me. I feel a house that's not even a house, it's a home and a refuge and a center for inspiration and connection. I'm just drenched in family and love and I'm so grateful every second of every day because I honestly can say that I feel like I'm doing this life thing so right. I feel like I figured it out. I feel like being present, being mindful, and being grateful are the real keys to success and contentment in this life and I'm so there. And just at peace with everything there is.

I've been aggressively working toward a finished to-do list as far as baby prep goes, and have a ton of frozen meals in the freezer. I've got six chicken pot pies, four casseroles, two bags of prepared taco beef, a tray of chicken enchiladas, two jars of chilli and one jar of chicken-soup broth. I have never been this prepared in my life, I am just so ready. This past two weeks I've also started and completed two quilts. Entire quilts. Real ones. With binding and everything. As you all know, quilting is a project I have been terrified of for a long time. I've worried about making irreversible mistakes, about it not turning out perfectly, about wasting time or money, and this crippling terror has prevented me from even looking at my fabric stash. And then boom, the urge overcame me. Life's too short to require perfection and I jumped in with both feet (and both of my husband's feet, too) and got. it. done. And now I love these quilts more than anything else I own. They're like these incredible trophies, testaments to my own strength and will power, and I love to imagine wrapping my babies up in them for years to come.

All of the ultrasounds for baby have come back great, though it's looking a touch on the small side, but not concerningly small. Just small as far as my babies go. And we must all remember that Oliver and Theodore were both over nine pounds. So "a touch on the small side" means probably eight. Maybe seven and a half. Which is still a good sized baby. All of my blood pressure checks and weigh ins have been stellar, too. I've only gained a total of 20 lbs. so far and I am so relieved about that. With Christmas being a bit of a gong show, I thought I definitely broke some personal pregnancy records but happily I did not! Thank goodness. All of my blood tests have been great, and the cesarean section planning has gone off without a hitch. I really just feel so ready and so calm and so peaceful about everything.

I am going to miss pregnancy, though. I truly am. I'm not going to miss waddling around like a cartoon senior citizen, I'm not going to miss insomnia or heartburn (or hemorrhoids! tmi?) but I am going to miss the feeling of having a beautiful secret. I'm going to miss the kicking and rolling sensations, the thrill of anticipation for a grand adventure you know is just around the corner. I'm going to miss seeing the excitement in others, the joy of announcing something so excellent, the feeling of fulfilling ultimate evolutionary purpose, the magic of being two human beings in a single human package. I'm going to miss it, but it's going to be okay. I have so many more first times to be excited about, and so many more incredible moments waiting for me just around the corner. Every day, if I can remember it, can be filled with the thrill of anticipate for a grand adventure. This entire life can be a grand adventure and every day can be greater than the last because every moment that is right now is the most fantastic moment there is.

I love the way Theodore likes to lift his shirt and rub his bare belly on mine, mumbling "Tummy tummy tummy tummy" under his breath. I love the way he likes to kiss my belly, though he doesn't really understand why he's doing it, he still feels compelled to. I like the way Oliver talks to the baby, and when the baby kicks he says "the baby listened to me! It kicked because I told it to!" I like seeing the magic in his eyes, knowing that he truly is aware of what's going on and he's just as excited as I am. I like the round sensation, I like the feeling of evening hiccups, I like the relief of a hot bath. This pregnancy has been a grand adventure that I'll treasure the memories of forever and will time-travel back to in my mind for years to come. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to create this child, and carry it, and get to know it in such an intimate way, that only I have had access to because until it is born, it's just mine. My precious little secret gift who knows me and only me.