11.03.15

Boom! There it is. It arrived. I mean, I had a baby bump before but in the last three weeks (only three weeks!) I've quite positively burst. Honestly, I don't love it. I'm 27 weeks as of Halloween, which means I'm into my third trimester and I'm terrified. I haven't had good third trimester experiences in the past, with either of my boys, and I know I shouldn't but I'm already anticipating sleeplessness, sore hips and ribs, breathlessness and a general sort of uselessness as the weeks go on. I actually feel like a lot of those things have already arrived. I genuinely felt different between Friday and Saturday, like one day I wasn't pregnant and the next day I so was. I'm hoping a sort of dreamy state takes over soon, so I can start to get all nostalgic and teary about this being my last pregnancy ever. That should help distract from the aches and pains and discomforts of it all. And I know that day is coming - it is. And I'll kick myself for ever wishing for it.

I've been dealing with a lot of worry and stress relating to this pregnancy, and some unexpected things that have come up that I haven't talked about yet. Everything is probably going to be fine - and by probably, I literally mean the probability is really very much in my favour and I shouldn't be worried - but we've gotten some ultrasound information that's not exactly what you'd like to hear. It could be something, but it's likely nothing. And it still sends me into throws of anxiety that are almost unbearable sometimes. I'm okay so long as I just forget about it, stop thinking about it, convince myself there's nothing going on. And then something happens, like today when I got a call from my OBGYN's office telling me that I'd be getting another call from Genetics at Health Science's Centre to discuss the findings from the ultrasound, which literally means I'll have a meeting just to clarify what the findings mean and that it's nothing ominous really at all. And it's that tiny little something, that reminder that ohyeah, there's a teensy tiny chance something is going on, that sends me into a painful and difficult spiral that's hard to get a handle on. It actually makes my heart physically hurt, like someone is sitting on my chest, pinning me down. This is a degree of anxiety that I've never experienced before - which is saying something, because I struggle with a very real anxiety disorder. I wish I could share more, but I want some more answers before I do. And also I want to go on pretending there's nothing going on, if for no other reason than my survival right now.

Why can't everything just be easy?

Symptom-wise, my sinuses are out. of. control. My hips have really been taking a beating, which has me waddle-walking everywhere I go (I was really hoping I wouldn't be waddling so early this time around.) Baby's kicks are strong and constant, which is just amazing. My bellybutton hasn't popped yet, though it's starting to sort of level out. Braxton Hicks contractions are getting quite quite uncomfortable, which is disconcerting since I've got at least another 12 weeks to go, and if they continue to be so frequent I'm not sure what I'm going to do. The kids will only let me take so many baths in a day. In the good-symptom department, it looks like my nails are finally starting to grow! That's pretty good news for a lifelong nail-biter like me.

I've started putting together a bit of a baby wish-list (Pinterest board) and one key item we'd love love love to have before baby arrives is a 4Moms Mamaroo rocker. In our experience, we have babies that like to move. It probably has something to do with how busy their mama is while they're in utero, but we have spent some time rocking, bouncing, swaying, jumping, swinging, and aggressively flinging from side-to-side. It's basically all I can remember from the first six months of my children's lives, to be honest. Since I've got two to chase this time around, I just don't know that I'm going to have that kind of time (and honestly, I'm going to need to actually get some sleep!) and this device looks like it would be just perfect for our needy baby. Bed, Bath, and Beyond Online has them for $299, and if nobody buys it for us we are going to buy it for ourselves. Just sayin'.

And now, because it's this thing I do, a comparison of my current belly to my Theodore belly at the same point. Just for fun.