Life lately has been a little hectic. On top of the regular busyness of life, there's the added busyness that's constantly going on inside my head and my heart. Sometimes it feels like I'm living two lives, and it's overwhelming.
I struggle with my mental health. As do many many people. I'm not ashamed of it, but it's something I struggle with every day, and the support and understanding that I need from the people around me is often crippling. If I could be completely self sufficient, I would. But I can't. And Brene Brown is teaching me to practice transparency. So in an effort to be transparent, this is simply me.
In addition to the professional help I am now receiving toward the goal of balance, I'm also currently going through some strange medical phenomena having to do with constant abdominal pain. So eight vials of blood, three urine tests, and three different doctors later I'm still waiting to see what shall become of me. I'll probably be alright but I've always had a very hard time detaching from the what-if, and worry constantly about the future. Almost all of the things I worry about never actually happen, though. Maybe something in my head is telling me that by worrying about something I'll guarantee it won't happen.
Needless to say, my days are fraught with anxiety and depression, lack of motivation and the constant pursuit of happiness and stability. I want to be the wife Matt deserves, and the mama my boys need. I think coming back to the blog and really committing to it will help remind me of the present moment, and ground me in the beautiful small things this life has to offer. It's a great outlet for my art, and to chronicle the things I think are worthy of sharing with the world. Perhaps if I can share the beautiful things I can share the hard things, too.
It's been a tough year. There have been some private events, personal episodes, and difficult traumas but I'm trying to be strong and soldier forward. Because there are so many things in this life to be grateful for. And when the happiness and joy creep in, I have to allow them to. I just have to.
Spring is finally upon us and the snow is beginning to melt. In the photos above, Theodore is obliviously watching me photograph, while Oliver is in the background helping Daddy finish his coffee so we can finally go outside and enjoy the beautiful weather. Which it truly is slowly becoming. I'm starting to feel like I can finally breathe again, and my solar powered heart is reveling in the warmth and beauty that Spring brings.
Everything is okay right now, in this moment.
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