I became a feminist the day I found out I was going to have a baby girl, though not really, because I've always been a feminist - I've just never really known it. Feminism is the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities, which makes it sort of a misleading word since it contains the prefix "fem" which implies some sort of female supremacy or something. When I tell people I'm a feminist, often the assumption is that I feel that women are superior, or are somehow owed more than their male counterparts, but in reality it's just about equality on all fronts. And it was never really important to me until that fateful day.
I grew up with what would have been considered at the time very progressive parents. They were open minded, and not too prickly about social standards and stereotypes. They didn't concern themselves with what others thought too much, or outward appearances. I never felt the sting of inequality growing up; Pink frilly things were never thrust upon me unless I asked for them, and I wasn't expected to play with "traditionally girly" toys unless they were specifically requested. I had five brothers, and played with their toys as much as my own. I wore pants and got dirty outside all day, and I also played with baby dolls and Barbies and owned one very nice, shiny, princess dress that I never let my friends wear when they came to visit. I was encouraged to read as much as I could, run as much as I could, and ask whichever questions I wanted to ask without fear.
I was exposed to a lot of new things when I started school, and some opinions I didn't share. Sometimes societal pressures weighed on me, and sometimes when I picked out my back-to-school clothes I let the opinions of others influence my decisions, but I was more often drawn to things that made me happy and comfortable, and activities that felt right for me. I am so grateful to my parents for laying the foundation for me to become whoever I wanted to be, and haven't thanked them enough for that.
I'm a creative, introverted homebody so the principles of feminism have never been very important to me. I've never felt an urgency to fight for equality because I don't feel like inequality is changing my life very much. I've never really taken a moment to really think about it though, honestly. The day I found out I was going to have a daughter, I realized I didn't have the luxury of my selfish perspective on these issues anymore. I realized that day that I had to fight this fight and stand up for this cause in her place so that one day maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't have to. I was lucky enough to live a life relatively unmoved by my sex, but I couldn't be sure she would, and the only thing I could do to help make sure she could be whoever she wanted to be was adopt these principles, get comfortable with these conversations, and try to lead by example the life of a strong, independent woman.
I'm still trying to find a balance. Sometimes I'll go off on a feminist rant to my best friends who smile and shake their heads at my intensity. I worry that I'm becoming that annoying person, you know the one, who can't talk about anything without bringing it all back to these core principles and concerns. I don't want to always be standing on a soapbox, and I want people to take my causes seriously. I also don't want people to think I hate pink (I love it), or have anything against women whose genuine hearts desires just coincidentally line up with traditional gender roles (I'm a stay-at-home-mom, too, and it's all I've ever wanted in life!) I just want boys and girls to have equal claim to all of the colours, and women to have the option of going back to work without judgement. Which unfortunately means sometimes being that annoying person whining about how all little girls clothes are form fitted and ruffly, and how ridiculous it is that there are "girl" Legos - at least until I can figure out a balance that's right for me.
I started writing this letter in my head on that fateful day, and have been streamlining it and editing it on an ongoing basis. It will never be perfect, but I think it's as close as I can get it to how I'd like it to be for now. Some of my earlier drafts swung too far in one direction, and then course corrected too far in the other, but this one I feel falls right in the middle, which is a great starting place for a new human, don't you think?
And with that, I give you a letter from my daughter, on the day she is born.
Hello, World!
Today I was born a female, and there’s never been a better time than right now! The world is filled with strong female role models and heroes, and giant leaps toward equality are being made each and every day!
Even more important is that I was born a brand new human being. I am a clean slate, a fresh start, and a package bursting with potential to be anyone or anything and I can’t wait to discover what my unique traits will be. One day I’ll be old enough to develop strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, but for now I’m just a tiny new human, completely unbiased and untouched, ready to soak up the magic of this universe like a sponge.
This is such an important time in my life because everything I do and see and hear is for the first time, and it will all help me to develop the opinions and beliefs I will have one day. Everything I’m exposed to will form the person I become, and I deserve to experience this world without limitations or stereotypes. So, that being said, until I am old enough to have preferences and interests of my very own, here are a few ways you can keep my world open and bright for me, ripe for the picking.
1. Let me enjoy all of the colours.
Pink is a beautiful colour. It is prairie sunsets and strawberry ice cream. It is my older brother Oliver’s favourite colour, and one day it might be mine too! But my favourite colours may also be blue like the sky or green like the grass, or yellow and orange like the autumn leaves. Until I am old enough to pick my most favourite colours, let my toys and clothes reflect all of the colours of the world equally. I do not need pink and purple versions of things simply because I am a female, and a blue t-shirt or Christmas stocking will not turn me into a male simply because it is blue.
2. Let me be fancy when the occasion calls for it.
Sometimes, an event calls for a fancy dress. There is a time and place for frills and sequins, glitter and lace. Everybody has a little bit of fancy clothes hanging in their closet for special occasions, but nobody has only fancy clothes. I only need a little bit, just like everybody else, and on a day-to-day basis I’m sure I’ll be alright wearing comfortable clothes that don’t limit my exploration and experience of my world. One day I may be naturally drawn to dressy outfits, or inspired by my favourite characters and want to dress like they do, but until then, if you’d like to buy me clothes, a great question to ask yourself is, “Would I buy something like this for her mom?” If the answer is no, maybe try and choose something less frilly, less sparkly, and more practical for my everyday adventures. My brothers don’t wear suits all of the time, and I don’t need to wear dresses all of the time either.
3. Call me beautiful, but also call me smart.
Nicknames like Princess can be fun sometimes. If I act like a princess, or enjoy wearing dresses and crowns, that would be a very suitable nickname for me. Telling me I’m beautiful is also nice, because as a human being that is abundantly loved, I am most certainly filled with beauty. My mother’s most used nickname for my older brothers is Beautiful, and they adore it because it reminds them that their intricate inner workings are at the very least a wonder to behold. But if you are going to comment on my looks, remember that much more important are my heart and my mind. Tell me I am kind when I’m being kind, and tell me I am clever when I am being clever. Ask me about my interests and the new discoveries I’ve made. Remind me that I have the potential to be strong and brave. Call me a leader, a warrior, and when you call me Beautiful, I hope what you really mean is that I am filled with beauty.
4. Let me play with all of the toys.
My older brothers’ favourite toys are dinosaurs and trains, which means our house is bursting with them. I’m going to be surrounded by them, which means I’m probably going to like playing with them. Everything around me will seem new and exciting because I will never have seen it before, and I’ll crave the learning and growing that comes from experiencing things for the first time. One day I may be drawn to things like play-makeup and costume jewellery. I might be drawn toward baby dolls and easy bake ovens, flowers, butterflies, unicorns. But until I am old enough to know which toys I like the best, let me choose for myself what my interests are, without assuming what they will be. No toy is gender specific, and I might enjoy playing with a race car as much as I enjoy playing with a baby doll.
Above all else, love me for who I truly am. Praise my strengths and help me work on my weaknesses. Give me the freedom to choose for myself who I’d like to be, and how I’d like to impact this world. Guide me so that I may make good decisions, and become a kind, independent person. Introduce me to every new and good thing this world has to offer, without limitations based on sex or cultural assumptions. I want to be excited about being a female in this world, but I’m going to need your help with that.
I am a brand new human being, and I can’t wait to discover this incredible world and live each day of this complex and glorious life, with your support and guidance and love.
Thank you!
- Penny
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