C-Biscuit

And suddenly this guy's name sounds a lot more like a rapper than a legendary racehorse.

Yes, sadly that is the best title I could come up with that used "C" as a pun. Sure I thought of "Do you C what I C?" and "Tis the C-son..." but as soon as I typed "C-Biscuit" it was love. I can just imagine a tough lookin' gangster with a do-rag and saggy-crotched pants throwin' that little self-shoutout into the next thing I hear on the top 40 radio station. And I love it.

So why do I have the letter C on the brain? Well, it's not because this is actually an episode of Sesame Street, and it's not because it's a pirate's favourite letter of the alphabet (get it?) it's because Matt and I have had some pretty serious discussions based around that letter lately. And it doesn't stand for candy, cookie, or Cosmopolitan.

In our case it stands for Cesarean. As in Cesarean section.

When we first met with our OB-GYN, she told us that it was really up to us how our baby came into the world. We could either attempt a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) or spring for an elective C-section. She said that it was really up to us, since it wasn't really an emergency the last time and that my body was in fact capable of delivering a child the normal way if I wanted to try.

So we took that home with us, and essentially decided on attempting the VBAC. I watched online videos and read forums from successful women in these situations. I even went on our hospital website and took the virtual tour. They've not got these incredible rooms at the hospital where you labour, deliver, and stay in the same room the entire time! It has a private bathroom and shower, and looks like a beautiful hotel room and just the sight of it made me feel empowered. I can do this thing, I can kick this VBAC's arse!

So mid December I went in to meet with my doctor again and had some questions for her this time. I was anticipating a positive exchange, a spirit boosting Q&A sesh! But it didn't quite happen that way.

Me: Will I get one of those special rooms?
Doc: No.
Me: Why not? :(
Doc: Because you are in a VBAC situation, which is considered high risk. You'd be in a high risk room.
Me: But... but... can I at least opt not to get an IV as soon as I arrive?
Doc: Nope. Gotta' get that right away. High risk...
Me: *defeated* Can I deliver in any position I want?
Doc: Not really.
Me: If I get an epidural can I still walk around? Would I need a catheter?
Doc: No walking, yes catheter.
Me: ...

Suffice it to say, I was not expecting that. Essentially she told me that since I was "high risk" I wouldn't really get to have the labour experience that I wanted. Suddenly images of my last labour experience came flooding back to me. Hours and hours of unmedicated pain, pulling an IV pole back and forth to the bathroom with me, unable to walk around due to the internal heart rate monitor, labour not progressing, and at the end of it all someone telling me that my baby is just too darn big, and that he's just facing the wrong direction due to the extremely off-centre nature of my uterus.

I just couldn't have that happen again. I couldn't go through a day of labour only to end with a C-section, an extremely difficult recovery (due to the fact that I was recovering from labour AND surgery at the same time), and when I finally got to meet my baby I was too tired to even know what was going on. I didn't even really get to enjoy him, enjoy the moment. Heck, he couldn't even breastfeed properly because he was so darn exhausted from the whole ordeal.

Nope, that was not going to be my story again. So I went home and talked to Matt about it. And then I talked to a bunch of women about it. Real women, not forum women. I talked to women who have had babies both ways. And I actually got some surprising feedback. Everyone has said that having an elective c-section versus labouring and then having a c-section is completely different. Recovery is much much easier (and my doctor has confirmed this) and some of the women actually said that if they had it to do again they'd have had c-sections with all of their babies. The technology and advancement in medicine has made it such a routine procedure that it's not even dangerous anymore. You don't have a horrendous scar forever. Babies come out just as healthy as if delivered otherwise.

So I weighed a lot of pros and cons, risks and details. I won't go through them all, but there are a lot of things to consider when making this kind of decision.

In the end, Matt and I decided that we just didn't know what to do. It was too hard, so we put it in God's hands. And over the few days after that we felt very very strongly called by God to go for the c-section. And since we're never really sure, we said "Alright, God. This is what we're deciding because we feel like it's what you want for us. And if for some reason we're wrong, then step in and let us know."

So I went in for another doctor's appointment, and told my doctor that we'd decided a c-section was the way to go. But I gave her the opportunity to "talk me out of it." I said "I know that 60-80% of v-bacs are successful, so if you have any reason why we shouldn't opt for the c-section let me know." Alright God, this is your chance. If this isn't the right decision for us, let us know...

"Well," she said. "To be completely honest, due to the reasons why your labour ended in a c-section last time, unfortunately your chances of a successful VBAC would not have been on the high side..."

Blam. Confirmation. I knew right then that we'd made the right decision.

"It's probably the best decision for you to get a c-section." And I knew she wasn't just trying to sell it on me because "doctors always want you to make the decision that's easiest on them." No, I knew because the first time she presented the options to us she didn't give us any biased information. She didn't persuade us in either direction. She wanted us to decide for ourselves. And now that we had, she told me that it's likely it would have just ended in a c-section anyway.

Imagine that.

The second bit double confirmed it for me, too. She told us that there's a new initiative at the St. Boniface hospital because there are just far too many babies being born there, and that they were rerouting some of the deliveries and c-sections to the Health Sciences Centre. I did NOT want to have my baby at that hospital. Absolutely not. The environment of St. Boniface is much more welcoming and personal, and less crowded. Less "down town" feeling. She then went on to tell me that they were only allowed to perform ONE elective C-section at the St. Boniface hospital per day.

ONE.

I couldn't believe it. There was no way we were going to get a slot there. We'd most definitely be rerouted to Health Sciences. My heart dropped. Suddenly I just wasn't sure what the right thing to do was anymore. She told us she'd do her best to get us a spot, and that she'd phone us "next week" and let us know what was going on.

That very evening she phoned and told us we'd gotten one. At St. Boniface. With HER as the surgeon.

What are the chances.

And now my heart is at peace.

Every time I thought about the VBAC thing it gave me complete and utter overwhelming anxiety. It felt frightening and I was worried about the safety of the baby, worried that I'd miss out on that bonding experience again. Worried that I'd fail. Again. Plus there's the risk of scar rupture, there's the fact that we'd have no way to know for sure if someone could watch our little guy while we were in the hospital, no way to know if it would just end in another painful c-section.

And now that we've made this decision I feel completely and utterly at peace. In every way. Like my heart has found the right decision, and God approves, and all is going to be well and good and wonderful. I know how my baby is coming into this world, I know the risks (as there are with any form of delivery) and I know exactly when he will be arriving. And it feels fantastic.

Now I know I'll probably get some flack for this decision, from naturalists and women's advocates and people who have plans for their own VBAC in the future, and I'm not saying that this decision is right for everyone. But I know in my heart that it's right for us, due to my unique body, my unique genetic tendency toward giant babies, my unique circumstances, and the fact that Matt and I feel as though this is what God wants for us.

And I couldn't be happier.

So now we are literally counting down the days until baby boy arrives! And we're trying to keep it a secret from as many people as possible since we still want his birthday to be a surprise. But we're unbelievably overwhelmingly excited to meet him, find out what he looks like, tell everyone his name, and enjoy him from a completely different perspective than the last time.

It is well with my soul.