Letter to My Monster

Dear Oliver,

I want you to know that I will always, without even a smidgeon of a doubt, love you with every ounce of my being. I will love you until it hurts, and keep loving you still. I will love you with the power and intensity of a laser beam that has not yet been invented, because it is the most focused laser ever made.

I have loved you since the instant you were born, and long before that. I have loved you since the instant your Daddy and I decided you were exactly what we wanted, and long before that still. I have loved you since the very moment I decided that all I wanted in my life was to be a Mum. I was probably six years old.

I loved you then.

I want you to know that no matter how much we love your new baby brother, we will still always love you just the same as we do right this moment. We will continue to love you an increasing amount with each passing day until you can barely stand it because the love is overwhelming, confusing, and embarrassing. And even then we will not stop. We will not cease to love every single little thing you do.

Your laughter will always be my favourite noise. Your neck will always be my favourite smell. Your embrace will always be my favourite, greatest, most beautiful feeling in the universe because you are so far beyond my everything you circle right back to being simply mine.

When you were born, we had a moment you and I. You lay there, your tiny body against my chest, breathing gently in and out, sleeping softly as the sun streamed in the hospital window. And I closed my eyes for a moment and realized that everything I could have ever wanted was suddenly mine. The greatest gift I could have ever asked for, more incredible than I ever could have dreamed. Suddenly there you were.

Everything.

You are going to be a poet, and a scholar. You will be a leader, a writer, a chef, a musician, an athlete, an acrobat, and everything else you want to be. You will be all of these things, or none of them, but what I do know is that you will be exactly what you were made to be. Perfect, and excellent at anything you set your mind to.

Don't ever choose the easy road. Work hard to earn everything you have, take pride in what you earn, spend time amongst the roughest stones at the bottom of the stream so that they may smooth you out when you finally get to that beautiful ocean. Enjoy every moment, and know that every little thing you do is magical, is a blessing.

Every single thing you do is heaven.

Allow yourself to be exceptional. Don't ever settle for being less than what you truly are. I love you, God loves you, your Daddy loves you, and everyone around you that even sets eyes on you knows instantly that you were destined for greatness. Don't ever think otherwise.

Be okay with me dropping you off right at the door of your school. Be okay with me kissing you in front of all of your friends. Be okay with me kissing you when you're 35 and have a family of your own. Get comfortable with these things because they are a fact of life and they're going to happen whether you're okay with them or not. So it's better that you just come to terms with it now.

I will snuggle you and love you and rub all over you until I physically can not anymore. Because you are of me. You created me. You made me what I was always meant to be. And so I will worship the very ground you walk on from this day forward. Me precious boy.

Please don't forget me when a pretty girl steals your heart away. Always know that it was mine first, and that my love is absolutely forever. Don't forget that I'll hold you in higher regard in my heart than anyone in this world ever could, and that even though there's someone out there that God chose for you who makes you feel crazy, stupid, scared, selfless, and like you can do anything, my love will always always always remain.

Even if you slam doors on me, or shout at me because you're mad about your curfew, or I make you do homework, or embarrass you in front of your buddies, or turn off the TV, or don't let you stay up until 2 in the morning chatting on the phone with the girl of your dreams.

I'm going to love the crap out of you whether you like it or not.

I will always be your first embrace, your first kiss, your first dance partner, your first hero, your first hand to hold.

I will always be your first love, my sweet, amazing boy.

So keep me in your heart, as I keep you in mine. 

Don't grow up too fast, I know you'll want to.

And always always know, no matter what happens, no matter how many brothers or sisters surround you, or how crazy life gets. If you're ever afraid, if you're ever happy, if you ever just find yourself breathing...

Know you are my world.

All my love,
Mama